three six five and then some.
you know that lack of feeling? that completely desolate moment where indifference reigns king? I had that. It was at precisely 12:19 this morning. It came with the chime of a text message. The sender was one who's status in my books had been troubled to say the least.
once upon a time that sender had emoticons decorating their name, as time ebbed on the emojis were erased and the name was left naked; finally when the name itself was too much to bear a single syllable word took it's place entirely. i remember when the chime would come and with it excitement and lip-bitten smiles. i remember when those smiles faded to furrowed brows and a grimace of disdain and I remember when that was all replaced with clenched fists, & silence was the only response you'd get from me. I had been a passenger aboard your emotionally traumatic train, all the while you had never told me the destination. and then came the exhaustion.
I never knew that exhaustion and defeat would come. it didn't come all at once, and for that i'm glad. It crept in like the tide. some days it meekly lapped on the shores of my well-being, and other days i was drowning in it's depth. but all things must come to an end, so I gave myself over to the waves and forfeited the pain.
with the doneness came clarity and personal enlightenment. there was peace when I thought i'd forever battle your storm. the self-respect to tell myself no; was not easily gained, but the indifference was what i needed the most.
and at 12:19 when the chime came through, I felt nothing. no butterflies, no anxiety, no worry, no self-loathing, no trepidation, and no exhaustion. i was utterly and blissfully indifferent.