in desperate need of a compass and more ticks of a clock

I struggle with the problem in life where I refuse to make decisions and then become terrified because I don't know what I want. Currently Henry is trying to pursue me but I'm so extremely afraid of being in a relationship again because mine and Joe's was not healthy whatsoever. I tried really hard to change myself into something he could love, and in the end I despised myself and everything that I had become. I'm afraid of a relationship with Henry because it could very well go south. Our friendship would be shot to hell and one of my best guy friends would be lost. Not only that but all of my friends are close with him so and so unwillingly I know they would choose my side if our relationship was left in shambles. Henry isn't typically the kind of guy I would want to marry. He isn't an RM which is frustrating but not necessarily a deal breaker. Although his testimony isn't incredibly strong I believe that I'd be able to influence him for the better. BUT the main issue is he hates children. He doesn't want anything to do with them and definitely doesn't want any. This is the biggest turnoff for me because when I picture my future unfolding I can easily see my little ones running around with the love from two adoring parents... not one. If I were to make something happen between Henry and I, it would be a relationship full of fun and love and a lot of work. I can imagine us traveling a lot and us working and maybe having a furry friend. But no where in that view of life can I see children. I want to experience it all. The joys of finding out I'm pregnant, to ultrasound visits, decorating a nursery, the 9 months of work and pain all for the marvelous blessing of having a pure, innocent child to call my own. Knowing that I'm responsible for this great miracle of life and that I'm charged with the important duty of raising an amazing son or daughter of God. I want it all. And honestly I can't see Henry by my side for it. I know that there may be the slight possibility that he would change and learn to love kids but it's something that I don't want to leave to chance. If I were to date him when would it come time for me to tell him that I need to start dating a man that I could potentially marry? A man who yearns to stand by my side as we watch our children grow and mature and create lives of their own....
On the other hand if I had all the time in the world, eternity, then my choices would be completely different. There are many lives I wish I could live. I'd love to travel Europe extensively. Learn and live the culture. Become familiar with the history and the sights and sounds of a different time and place. I would meet wonderful people and learn their stories. I would go through Africa on a humanitarian mission and build schools and dig wells. I would play soccer in the dusty streets with the little kids and learn the way of life from a brand new perspective. I would spend every second in the sun and soak up the bright rays of vitamin D from south of the equator. I would make my way to Australia where the climate's warm and the people friendly. I would breathe the salty sea air and feel the pulse of the tide beneath my feet. I would travel until I knew this world like the back of my lightly freckled hand. I would really understand what it means to be alive.
In another life I would be a mother. A peacemaker and homemaker. I would work from home and love and rear my children. All 5 of them. 3 boys and 2 girls.  I would change diapers and pick up toys. I would go to PTA meetings and get completely dressed up for Halloween trunk or treats. I would pull up my hair and make pb&js for small sticky hands. I would watch as they grow up and have dreams and plans of their own. I'd be there when they're scared and kiss their scraped knees when they fall down. I would be the one to pick them up again and tell them they can do it. I would send them off to college and be with them while they landscape their own paths. I would grow old with my husband and have a long, happy and fulfilling marriage.
This is why I have my decision making dilemma. You only get one shot at life. And then that's it. I'm extremely afraid of choosing the wrong path. The path that will leave me wondering what I did wrong. I need guidance, a roadmap, a compass, or a life plan. But the problem is that I am so desperate to live this life to the fullest and not miss an opportunity, that ultimately I'm missing chances by trying to figure out which moments are worth taking. Wow. I need to take a deep breath and make a drink of tea.


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