HAILEYANELA

Here I am 15 days into the new year without a single goal set. There are the usual ones that I've sworn myself to upholding every year: eat healthy, work out more often, regulate my sleep schedule, act like an adult, blah blah blah. They're my go-to goals because, let's be honest, I didn't reach them the year before.

c/o:  Sabrina Kellerman Photography I’m guilty of painting pretty pictures. Pictures of how I want my life to be viewed. I want crisp edges and smooth lines, not a defect in sight. A clear and in-focus image that everyone can praise, and my mother can be proud of. A picture that can garner Facebook “likes” and Twitter “retweets”; an image that attains the coveted “Life Goals” hash tag. Because who doesn’t want a life that can be applauded and placed front-and-center on the mantel of self-esteem? As a side effect of this deceptive exhibit of life, is the mass of people that assume they know exactly how you feel simply based off the carefully edited Instagram post. They surmise that the smile means happiness and contentment, and the success equals satisfaction and self-fulfillment. They believe the best, because the best is all that they can see. They view the performance from the front row, completely oblivious to the stress backstage behind the curtain. My frustration ...

Unbeknownst to myself, time has once again gotten the best of me. This semester has 2 meager weeks left to live, in which I'm to pack up & move apartments, ace my finals, bid adieu to my sweet Canadian, and GRADUATE (it's only my associates, but still...). what the heck. Somehow I've turned into this partial adult with responsibility who has to start planning for the future. Like can't I just be that 8 year old hailey with the Hit Clips and Britney Spears diary without a clue in the world? That'd be nice and easy.....but not exciting. And we all know how much I live for excitement and adventure.  I've dubbed my 20th summer as my summer of traveling, experience, intrigue, adventure, thrill seeking journeys, sunshine, and fun and festivities. My hellish "summer of '14" was the worst I've yet to endure and I fully plan on rectifying the season. I'll be in school and working for a good part of the warm months, ...

you know that lack of feeling? that completely desolate moment where indifference reigns king? I had that. It was at precisely 12:19 this morning. It came with the chime of a text message. The sender was one who's status in my books had been troubled to say the least. once upon a time that sender had emoticons decorating their name, as time ebbed on the emojis were erased and the name was left naked; finally when the name itself was too much to bear a single syllable word took it's place entirely. i remember when the chime would come and with it excitement and lip-bitten smiles. i remember when those smiles faded to furrowed brows and a grimace of disdain and I remember when that was all replaced with clenched fists, & silence was the only response you'd get from me. I had been a passenger aboard your emotionally traumatic train, all the while you had never told me the destination. and then came the exhaustion. I never knew that exhaustion and defeat would...

Ya know those dreams you keep to yourself? The ones that don't leave the pages of your journal, or maybe even the corners of your mind? The little pinky promises that we've made with ourselves. Those are the dreams that have me staring off into the distance, contemplating my options, thinking and rethinking my decisions, and constantly having me feel as if I'm standing at a crossroads without a guide. The dreams that keep me trekking on, seemingly blind; just moving forward.  When we're young we're asked what our "dream" is; whether it's a career choice, an adventure, or life goal. Unlike most little girls, becoming a princess wasn't at the top of my priorities. I was captivated with the idea of becoming an astronaut because I was enraptured with the secrets of the stars, and was beyond convinced that I could fly myself to heaven. no joke. As I got older my dreams changed but were never constant. Lately I've been watching my life like ...

this pose is called "figure skater curtsey" as cliche as it is (and let's be real it's SUPER cliche) a new year brings so many changes. Leaving home and going back to school, the start of a new semester (with our fingers anxiously crossed hoping we remember not to slack off because we know where that got us last term........hmmm), moving apartment complexes, trying to figure out where to go for the summer, failing at making any sort of important life decision, and ultimately having a teen-life crisis.WOOOOOO happy 2015 to me. I can feel in my 19 year old bones that THIS year something amazing is going to happen, but I'm not quite sure what it is yet.. But seriously so much is happening and brimming up and over my cup of normalcy that I have to ask myself (multiple times a day) "is this real life?" BUT, to prepare myself for all the crazy-excitingness that is sure to unfold this fresh year I have made a list of promises that I'v...

recently on Pinterest I've been seein g the "open when letters" pin float around. The idea is to write letters to your significant other, and on the envelopes title them "open when you're sad", "open when you're mad at me", "open when you miss me", "open when you're in the mood for a taco ", etc... okay just kidding on that last one. But seriously when my roommates and I first saw it we all let out a collective and appreciate "aweeeee" and our hands fluttered to our chest due to the sudden catching of feels. The second time I saw it, it was still cute. But the third time I saw it all I could think of was how much time and effort would have had to gone into that arduous letter-writing task. How many 'I love yous' and 'remember whens' can you put into a stack of letters before you've run out of words to say? Obviously this is why I'm not in a relationship because I rarely know what to...

This past week I had the wonderful opportunity to go see the church sponsored film, Meet The Mormons. The documentary follows the lives of six Mormons (Latter Day Saints) and their families through their day to day lives, and to show the world what makes Mormons tick.  I absolutely loved the movie and encourage everyone that hasn't had the chance to see it, to go! At the opening of the film a woman was questioning people on the streets of New York City as to what they knew about Mormons. Their answers were both comical and intriguing. Their perceptions of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints were based on hearsay, the media, and Mormons that they knew. It astounded me that so many people have the wrong idea about Mormons. Then I realized that they're simply learning from our example. It scares me to think that I might be the only LDS a person ever meets in their life. and what if I'm not representing the church in the right light?! Unfo...

When I thought of forever I pictured bliss. Sure I know bliss is more of a feeling and not so much a scene but I just imagined bliss. Lots of smiling. The kind where your eyes crinkle in the corners and you put all your little white teeth on display. Lots of morning kisses, sunshine through the trees, fingers interlocked so tight that a whisper of air wouldn’t be able to pass between the pressed palms, forehead kisses that make you swoon and your eyes droop in pleasure, dancing in socks in the cold glow of the refrigerator light. I imagined secret looks and shared smiles across the table, slow and sleepy morning murmurs, late night pillow talks and goodnights instead of goodbyes. Borrowed button ups but never borrowed time, because you both knew exactly how each other felt. Unfortunately the bliss I was looking for, wasn't looking for me. There were late nights of aloneness and deprivation. Locked in bathrooms crying in the tub with the lights off wishing I hadn't given ...

Love is a tricky thing. It can make you feel like you’re on the top   of the world; soaring far above the clouds free of any concerns and  worries. It feels infinite, as if there is no ending and there was  no beginning, just a limitless existence. Some say that if the  timing isn’t exactly perfect, then that little infinity can’t even  be birthed into existence. But our little sliver of time was  seamlessly aligned with the stars. We grabbed the moment and ran  with it, unafraid of the consequences. Those short months were full  of an immense amount of love, laughter and tears. I felt everything  stronger and more powerfully than I ever had before. He taught me  how to love again even if the affection wasn’t mirrored. So thank  you for being my best heartbreak.

So with the start of a new term I've become incredibly busy....just kidding I'm only taking 6 credits, so in fact I'm just lazy and haven't gotten around to blogging. Anyways after dropping my Conversational Spanish class on the basis that I was the ONLY  non-returned missionary taking it, I decided to sign up for a Creative Writing course. I thought we'd be writing short stories, but to my surprise we're being forced to try our hand at poetry. I've actually found it to be sorta therapeutic and soothing; helping me to organize my thoughts. And being in a moment of relaxed judgment I've decided to share with you a poem I wrote. like it or not, here it is....... Making Wishes I am swaying in the wind with absolutely no real direction. I let the breeze bow me back forth. I don’t have a mind of my own. I am used to the nudging and gentle prodding of my surroundings. I easily bend to the quiet whisperings of the midday draft. M...