well this sums it up.
So for my college English class we were given the assignment to write a narrative essay about something that has changed us. Instantly my relationship came to mind, I knew that it was what I needed to write about. I needed to let it all out and let someone read it. So here it is, enjoy...
Summertime Sadness
Nick and Taylor’s relationship was the
closest thing you could come to conventional. They were friends throughout
their elementary years and as they made their way into high school their
innocent and carefree friendship started to blossom into the possibility of something
more. They went on many group dates and eventually became “official”. Nick has
since left on a mission and my sister dutifully awaits his return all the while
studying to become a music education major and planning the dream wedding we
all know they’ll have. For Taylor this was her first relationship and first
love and she knew instantly that her and Nick would be married and sealed for
all eternity. I shunned the idea of marriage to someone without having fully
played the dating field. I asked myself how she could possibly know that he was
what she wanted out of life without even having had a second thought about
dating around. That was until I met Caleb.
Based on my minor judgment life is for
two things. Experiencing the wondrous creations of this world and finding love.
In my short 18 years of life I thought I knew what love was. It was the person
you could always count on, the person that would listen to all of your darkest
secrets but still see you through the same pair of eyes, a person who would
adore you for everything that you were. In my mind Caleb was everything I had wanted
and more. Our
relationship was more fun and laughter than hardcore romance and when we rarely
talked about our future together we spoke of parting as happy friends. Then our
kisses became longer and our feelings became deeper. And with those three words
I knew I couldn't live without him. During
the course of our relationship I really struggled with body image and the ever
consuming thought that I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough for him. Demons
lived on my shoulder and weighed me down to the deepest pits of self-loathing.
I hated who I was and who I was becoming. As I thought about our future I had
to force myself to be happy with the path that I chose. Here I was settling with
the notion that I would be with my preemie boyfriend, of four short months,
forever. And I was coping with the idea that I would mold him and myself into
what I wanted. I was willing to compromise my future plans and blindly follow
Caleb’s beliefs about what was right for me. He wanted me to switch schools for
him while he played college volleyball, with me as his personal sideline
cheerleader and groupie girl. Not once had he even entertained the thought that
I’d want to do something with my life other than cheer him on from my
designated spot in the bleachers.
Then he started to talk about
marriage and for an 18 year old girl it's a bit overwhelming. When I had planned for college I planned on leaving home
with no strings attached, a fresh new start in a new town; not an almost
husband. It was finally time
for me to grab life by the reigns and make the decisions that would affect MY
future not ours.
My feelings of "love"
and "forever" were quickly starting to fade. Then as the last rays of summer faded we
moved off to different universities and parted as friends. I inhaled a breath
of fresh air and started to find myself again. I started to remember what it
was like to be single and taught myself to be happy alone. I learned that I
only really needed the company of my thoughts and the Spirit to keep me
occupied rather than anxiously awaiting another text from him. I was finally
starting to grow and mature in the direction that my life so desperately needed
to take. I felt like I was waking up from a summer long slumber and our entire
relationship had been a sluggish dream that I had ultimately clawed myself out
of. I felt renewed and born again ready to face the world without Caleb by my
side keeping me in his shadow. But I knew that I had one last thing to do
before I would be able to completely heal and close that chapter of my life.
I
still had one token left of from our broken relationship, his favorite flannel.
He had given it to me while we were still together. That thing had kept me warm
in bed, was comfy and worn, and paired great with a pair of leggings. But I
knew that it was the last memento that I needed to get rid of. That loose
fitting button up was the last string that I needed to cut, so that there would
be nothing else tying myself to him. So with my willpower to leave my past
projecting me into the post office I grabbed a box and shoved the shirt in
there with a short note expressing my apologies and recent realization. I
wrote, “Sorry I’ve been holding on to this for so long I think I was holding on
to the memory of what we used to be rather than the reality of what we actually
are.” And with that closing assertion I sent the box back to the home of the
boy I thought I loved.
Love
is a tricky thing. It can make you feel like you’re on the top of the world;
soaring far above the clouds free of any cares and worries. You will do
anything for that one person even if they don’t ask. You will change yourself;
inside and out because you think that deep down it’s what they really want. You
will argue that you are in control and no one will be able to change your mind.
But then one day you will wake up to the cold, stark realization that you’ve
changed into a person that you never dreamt you’d become. I thought the love I
had with Caleb would makes us everlasting and would save me from the trials I
was too scared to face but I came to the understanding that no matter how much
I tried to hide from them they’d always find me. There is a time for
everything: learning, happiness, trials, and even love. The Lord’s timing is
everything when it comes to us making our own decisions and I thought I was
exempt from that rule. I’m learning to become older, less of a flower and more of a
sturdy tree. I’m making more responsible choices and trying to think with a
wiser mind. Although there are things that I miss about my childhood and my
flimsy ideas of love after high school, I’ve come to realize that I'm more
excited for what my future has to offer. The countless possibilities that await
me as soon as I'm brave enough to make that first leap into the real world.
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